My period has arrived in a morbid parade of bodily malfunction. The good news is: I feel much better than I did when I woke up. But I definitely have a migraine and the nausea that goes with it. However, I am as always very grateful to the fortuitous timing my period tends to have. It usually comes before I travel. I'm going to Hollins on Friday, but the campers don't arrive until Sunday, which is when my period will end (this is Lianne's Period 101).

Also, just for your 411, I might be talking about periods (mine and otherwise) a lot in the next two years because right now my plan is to do my thesis on them. As in, a series of poems about menstruation. Yes...I'm serious. I think it's a pretty awesome idea and I'm looking forward to the research.

Ugggh...though the first-hand experience is sometimes too unpleasant to be "interesting." *Temporarily wants to roll over and die*


But you know, the period just fascinates me. Partly because it is so unpleasant, and yet I feel there is something VERY positive about it. I want to figure out what that is. I mean, childbirth in some ways is like the mother-of-all-periods (no pun intended, though that's a pretty good one if you ask me), and yet it is a "miracle." Also, writing a ton of poems about it is my way of addressing the taboo. I think it's kind of ridiculous that something that most women experience pretty much every month is a big SECRET. Then there's this idea that it's dirty. It's not fun, but I really don't think it has to be gross in a generalized way. Because it's--are you ready for this?--normal. Ooooh! I give myself shivers. And it's one of those things kind of like my not having a father, in that it's important but not a big deal. It's part of us. And things that are part of us are both very significant and totally commonplace. 

ANYWAY. *steps down from the soapbox* 

In other news, my cat is an ass. Though he has currrently (and it's about time) resigned himself to the floor instead of repeating  the jump-on-the-table-then-get-thrown-off-and-told-no exercise. Cat step aerobics.


Something interesting: I have now for two nights in a row had a dream which included someone wearing clashing plaid. No joke. I wonder what that means? 

Because I do.

Like, I really, really, really do.


Speaking of dinosaurs, I'm going to start brainstorming my door decs for Hollinsummer (Hall theme = Dinosaur Space Garden).

This is weird.


I'm going through my room, right? Cleaning things out...moving things around. I pick up this envelope that has a few things Heather gave me in 5th grade. (Heather was one of my best friends in 5th grade, and she died in 7th grade in a freak accident). I find this bookmark she gave me that says, "For everything you have lost, you have found something else." Now, tell me that it isn't WEIRD.

Also, there's a note from her that says (with her spelling)

Dear Leainee

Thank fory ou bing my freand, and stiking with me instead of leaving.

Which I just think is ironic.

It's strange, what dots connect.

The thing about anxiety is that it alters your perception of reality for the worse.


AH-HA.

Epiphanies are funny things. And by funny, I mean horrifying. Okay, so sometimes revelatory and enlightening and freeing. But definitely sometimes horrifying.

"Are my beliefs helping or hindering me?"
"Do I have the conviction to back my faith?" 
"Do I have faith that all things are coming together for my highest and best good? "

Today I feel a little bit unbalanced, in a crazy, upbeat way. Yikes! 

Today and yesterday were both good because I went to work with my mom and helped file/pull some things for the admissions offic. It's nice to be productive. I'm kind of tired now but I think I'll go work on my room some more. After watching Clean House I feel very inspired (i.e. freaked out) to clean my room. But I guess it's good to know that it could be so, so, SO much worse.


Oh, today and hopefully more often from now on I am trying out OPTIMISM. Have you heard of this? It is "a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome." I know, crazy right? But I'm giving it a go. Because I just don't want to continue to worry so much about the future when in the past everything has always turned out all right. That would imply that they will again. And you know what? They might even turn out GREAT. I bet they will! I bet everything's going to be great. Except for the things that aren't. But you know what I mean. I mean over all.



Going to murphy tomorrow. I'll be back Sunday. Then next Friday I leave for Hollinsummer. And then I'll be back till school starts! YIKES! And by that I mean, YAY! 

I'm trying to breathe and tell myself that twelve hour days four days a week all year won't kill me. Sure! It'll be great! Okay, and that is misleading because my days won't be completely packed. I'll have a few hours here and there. My classes end at 4:10 or 4:20 and I won't start work until seven. That's 2 and half free hours! It won't be that bad.  It is a bit scary though to see a 7-9 block on Monday-Thursday though (and actually 6-9 on Wednesday...I will have four classes that day). But I need to make monies.

I am still debating whether to work on Sunday for a total of 10 hours, or switch sunday for a weekday to keep it at 8 but lighten the week's load, or just leave it as it is with two hours per day four days a week for a total of 8 hours. I keep reminding myself that all I am required to work is 8, and so if that's all I want to/can do, that's fine. And anyway, whenever I try to work more I always end up missing some hours. And if I'm going to be doing 19 credits on top of that...I think 8 hours is pretty decent. And I also must remind myself that as long as I am motivated, I often am able to get some homework done at work if no one comes in to be tutored. So I'll have more time than I think. Okay. I just want to point out what an excellent job I just did of remaining calm. I didn't even use all caps, i.e. my shrill, panicked voice. *golf clap*

Okay. So I just worked out my schedule without giving myself a disorder. Brilliant!


I think I'm supposed to make dinner. Or else my mom left out the sauce pan, a can of tomato sauce, and the garlic press along with a post-it note explaining its purpose just for the heck of it. Ha ha. Well, I'm all for smashing garlic! It's just kind of funny because she told me yesterday that she got the ingredients for Irene's amazing pasta recipe so I could make it for us. I didn't know she meant IMMEDIATELY. But, whatever. I guess that's cool.


Progress is a lovely thing.

Today was good.

(aka "I can't get no satisfaction)

I wish my mom would leave me alone, i.e. go to bed or another part of the house.

I wish I didn't have so much CRAP.

I wish I didn't know it was Saturday.






Such is the weekend of our discontent. Dude, I just got back from a dream getaway in Maine and this is my mood. I know! I know I know. I'm trying NOT to feel as ridiculous as I feel. Sometimes it seems so hard to be happy. I am too hard on myself.


God. I vant to be left alone.

Maine was awesome.

I'm going to MAINE tomorrow.


Note: Packing is stressful. My mom agrees. Which means double stress.

Note: I have to get up at 4:30 tomorrow. That is 5.5 hours from now.

Note: I am still excited about going to Maine. Because it's MAINE. Multiple people have said, "What's in Maine?" like "Why on earth would you want to go there?" And my response is, "What's NOT in Maine?!??!" Maine is awesome! I haven't even been there yet and I can tell. It exudes awesomeness. Plus, Theresa is going to be in Maine with me. And I haven't seen her in a YEAR. Bring it on.

love you all. have a great week. (I return the 27th)

//  hearts

I am in a trough.

My family didn't come. They're planning to  come tomorrow.

Tristan and Isolde is still highly enjoyable. In that "ooooh it's so painful!" way.

Just watched The Others. Love that movie.

Today was the first day since I've been home that I didn't leave the house at all. Just didn't feel like it. So, it worked.


Oh, and I actually PRACTICED piano. not just played: PRACTICED. Stop the presses!


Also, astrologically, Rase and I are RIDICULOUSLY incompatible. We can only presume that we are so opposite it somehow makes us work. Because I'm telling you, the stars are quite elaborately against us. I could go into detail. I kind of want to. But I won't. Just know that it's truly astounding how much this book says we won't work together. The ONE SINGLE THING we have "in our favor" is that our Saturns are Sextile. (Yeah. I know. I can't believe I just said that, either. And I almost wish they weren't Sextile because then, at least, we'd be totally consistent in our incompatibility. It's this one commonality that freaks me out the most, to tell you the truth.) But, you know....not everything can be explained ;-)  Besides. I ain't fundamentalist.


I may have written about this before. But I still can't believe that there is actually someone named Slayter McGillicuddy somewhere in my network of friends. Facebook keeps recommending him to me. But really? What a ridiculous name. And by ridiculous, I mean AWESOME.

Okay. So I'm in Chicago. But THAT'S NOT THE POINT. The POINT is, Stephan Jenkins (lead singer of 3EB and therefore most amazing person ever) is a LIBRA with a GEMINI rising. What!!??!! I was so desperately hoping he'd be a Pisces or a Scopio--SOMETHING WATER. But no. He is air and air! Just like Rase Mccray, my road trip buddy. What the hell. I can't explain it but I am deeply perturbed by this.


so this room feels like an indoor pool--or rather, it smells like a pool and is very warm.

Chicago (i.e. any large city--though Cincinnati seemed better) is a pain in the ass to drive in. And people need to stop honking and turn their music down. However, I do feel pretty badass walking around the Hilton hotel. Also, the time changed and we had no idea till half an hour ago, so we needlessly missed an opportunity to go to an art museum :(. Oh well.


Right now Rase is looking up places to eat. I'm thinking Chicago Diner. The other choice is Ethiopian, which would be interesting, but in terms of my stomach, I'm not feeling very adventurous. Right now we're supposed to be heading to Millenium Park. BTW, public transportation is cool. If I ever live in Chicago, I think I will not have a car. Because it just looks like a hassel. I mean, PARKING? I just wonder how you move house in a place like this. There are so many people walking around on the street! It just amazes me. It really does.


Anyway. Captain Moody (that's me) has things to do...like get Rase off the computer. so we can get our asses out of the seated position.

I leave today. And I'm nervous. But excite. See you in two weeks...:-D

Porcelain
by Carl Phillips
As when a long forgetfulness lifts suddenly, and what we'd forgotten—as we look at it squarely, then again refuse to look—is our own inconsequence, yes, it was mostly like that, sex as both an act of defacement and— as if the two were the same thing—votive offering, insofar as the leaves also were a kind of offering, or could at least be said to be, as they kept falling the way leaves do: volitionless, from different heights, and in the one direction.

This reminds me of Sean Hughes a little bit. I think it's quite gorgeous.

Goodbyes are completely inadequate. They're just not enough. A long hug and an Awkward Lianne (TM) farewell exchange don't have anything to do with how grateful I am to know this woman and to have had her for a friend. I always leave feeling incomplete, like I didn't at all say what I set out to, which is: thank you, an I love you, and your impact on me has been great. But you just can't put all that in a moment...or I can't...or it seems I can't. And even if I did, I'd end up weeping. So I guess it's best to just do the hug and then let them go. Because I'm going to be okay. And sadness will come when it may.


So. Tired. That's my new motto. I'm moving out tomorrow. Year Two: GONE. A flash in the pan.

Well. I'm sitting in my dark room, which is increasingly getting darker, and wondering when I'm going to get hungry and what I'm going to do about it since the dining hall is closed. I also don't know where anyone is, though I have a guess or two about Cadie.

My room looks AWFUL. Stuff all over the floor. I guess you could say I'm packed...just a few odds and ends that haven't found a place yet. 
Apparently, all of this is going to fit in my car. Haha!

Anyway, graduation. It was nice...it rained until the graduates walked, and where I was sitting I didn't see anything until near the end. I was really happy for my friends. It's just very strange to me that they're actually leaving...this is our last night together, as we are now. Now that is a weighty thought. Eerrghh I still have Hannah's book! Where the heck is she. I wish I could somehow pack all my stuff up and move back home without any of the effort involved.

The most precious baby was in front of us at graduation. And she was so quiet...she didn't make any noise except I heard her laugh once. Plus, she was just gorgeous.


I feel like I've gotten whiplash from how fast all this is going.

Nine things I love right now
 

1. The Beatles.

2. Coco Loco Chicken from Hollywood's restaurant

3. Hot tubs

4. Amazing, amazing homemade bread

5. Sleeping in

6. NOT. HAVING. HOMEWORK.

7.  Not living in a Tinker Single anymore (soon)

8. "Thank you Mario! but our Princess is in another castle!" by the Mountain Goats  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnbYyTlz1Tw&feature=related

9. This spoof trailer of The Shining: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf7h6o3I8yw&feature=PlayList&p=99468E9928BFF879&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=21

Now, I will put on clothes and then begin to pack my room.

The pattern of this week:
 

Hours spent completing something. Once it's completed, a few moments of elation and pride. Then, swift attack of despair, as I am STILL NOT DONE. This part three of that pattern. Three out of five things done. Two more to go.


I am just so tired. That's the only word I can think of and it doesn't quite seem to cover why looking at my jazz exam brings me to tears, but there you have it. I just feel like it doesnt even matter that I'm doing well because I can't get past the shit I have to do!

However, it is really nice how many people post encouraging comments to my despairing facebook statuses. Like, really nice. People I wouldn't expect telling me "you can do it!"

And on a side note of misanthropy: Screw you, Happy People! How dare you be happy when I am crushed under the monster truck wheel of exam week! How dare you.

And some generosity to compensate: Congratulations, Happy People! Hooray for you! 


I keep thinking maybe I'm stable till I think about opening the word document which houses my jazz exam. I do. Not. Want. To. Do. This. Do you understand that, Cosmos? I don't wanna. I don't wanna. I DON'T WANNA.


:-( I can't believe this started Wednesday.

I just finished my story for TJ's class! The ending is kind of epic. Or else an epic fail. It's a little over 11 pages. I think I've been working on it for like 2 and half hours straight now...so you can imagine why I'm so OVERJOYED that I have at least the shape of a complete work.

Ugh. and I'm totally bringing myself down remembering all the other stuff I still need to do. NO. I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING. I AM GOING TO DANCE IN MY SEAT AND MOUTH THE WORDS TO THIS SONG PASSIONATELY AND WITH GUSTO!

P.S. I need to buy this CD! (Mika)